#LIFTINGMINDS: Gurdeep's story

My name is Gurdeep Jandoo. I’m a third-year construction project management student studying at Aston university in Birmingham. Most of you will know of me from Aston Bhangra or Gabru Chel Chabileh. I was on the fence about writing about my personal experiences but I just thought why not? I hope this will encourage other men within the community to speak about their experiences and emotions. So, here’s my story.

The last two to three years have been quite rough to say the least. I’ve been going through a lot and have only just realised. As the saying goes, it all just builds up and sometimes you come tumbling down like a brick wall. Most people know me as a jokey guy to be around and probably think I’m always happy. The reality is you never really know how someone is feeling inside. The common response from people when asked how they are is ‘yea I’m good thanks’. I used to say that a lot to avoid facing my feelings or just joke around when I was asked how I am feeling deep inside.

My second year of university is probably where I started crumbling. I’d come off a high winning The Bhangra Showdown and Bhangra Fest in 2018. They are two unforgettable memories for me. I remember going to watch my first Bhangra competition in 2011 and said to myself that one day I’m going to perform on that stage. Not only did I manage to perform, but I also managed to win on that stage. The feeling was immense. Soon after winning Bhangra Fest 2018, I started training for the next competition, TBS 2019. However, I stopped enjoying Bhangra due to my personal issues. I was having a hard time at university and my thought process became so negative towards everything. I used training as a coping mechanism but I never understood and dealt with my feelings. This is where it started to go horribly wrong. My personal relationship took a toll for its worse. I neglected it and the issues just started to pile up. I became stubborn and was not able to admit my own troubles. Other than Bhangra training, I didn’t go out much; I stayed indoors a lot and stopped going to some of my lectures. People – even some that I would have labelled as my closest friends – used to make remarks about me and call me names because all I did was stay in. It was a hard time to be in. University can be a really lonely place for some people and when you don’t go along with the majority, people start leaving you out from socials.

I started to lose myself a lot and questioned who I was. Other than Bhangra, who is Gurdeep? I honestly didn’t know. All I knew was Bhangra. That was all that I was really good at so I gave it my best. Don’t get me wrong, Bhangra isn’t bad, I love it. It’s an art and you can often express your feelings through it. I used it in the wrong way I guess because I never dealt with my feelings. I just found ways around dealing with the emotions. Some people think it’s toxic because you often find yourself drowning in it with the heavy training schedules for competitions. It can become a lot. But everything in balance can never do any wrong in my opinion. The issue was, I had no balance. I had my family at home calling me saying I never come home to visit or go to family functions. This made them upset with me. It made me upset. I was lost, I had no direction. I would assume that my family were just constantly nagging me due to being in such a negative state of mind. That being said, I still kept in contact with my Mum every day. My mum and sisters supported me through and through, even though they didn’t want me training with a permanent ankle injury and knowing how much time training would take. I just never realised.

On May 13th, 2019 approximately 9.47pm my Masi (Mother’s sister) passed away. I was very close to Masi, she was my other mother. Living in a broken family, my Masi provided the ‘fatherly’ figure to me and my sisters. She was always there for us and my mum during our worst of times. My mum and Masi were inseparable so this would obviously create a special bond for me and my sisters with our Masi. She supported me a lot, encouraged me to go to university to study and to make something of myself. When I was younger I’d always go and stay for nights around her house and this built the foundations for mine and my Masi’s special relationship. She would tell me off if I did anything naughty. When times were financially hard, she would often treat me to an Xbox game that I really wanted but we couldn’t afford. My fondest memories with my Masi were when she used to come round to our house and we’d order a small takeaway and sit together as a family. Those are the kind of memories I look back on most and having quality time with the family. It’s the small things like this that you learn to appreciate more in life as opposed to materialistic things. So, losing her left a big void in my life. I’d never experienced losing a loved one before. It didn’t feel real. At the time I wasn’t sure how to grieve. I cried a lot but I did not deal with my emotions.

A month later my sister was due to get married. Two months later my first cousin was due to get married. Being such a close family and experiencing this loss, we had to carry on. We had all the wedding events to plan and get ready for still. Being the only boy in my household, I had to take on the role as the man of the house for my sister’s wedding. Hearing comments like ‘come on, we have to be strong‘, or ‘this is life’ never helped. They just suppressed my feelings. Hosting the guests and family, all the programmes and pre wedding events and trying to ‘be strong’. I didn’t have time to grieve or deal with my emotions. My sister was about to leave our home into her new life. This was a major milestone for us as a family but it was tough at the same time. It felt like another loss.

As soon as my cousins wedding was over, the next day I started my placement. It was a new beginning for me but I felt so lost in myself. I felt under a lot of pressure. I didn’t enjoy going to work. The long hours, the commute to and from work into central London. I did nothing for my well-being other than play PlayStation. I just watched TV or sat on social media for the majority of the time. I had a lot of mental break downs. For weeks I’d be fine as I was keeping busy but sometimes I’d wake up feeling so low and upset. Then came a eureka moment. After placing 2nd at The Bhangra Showdown 2019, the majority of the team wasn’t happy as you could imagine. Following a conversation with the other seniors in the team, we all decided we’re going to dance. That was it. We made arrangements at a random restaurant in Uxbridge and we were on our way to TBS2020. I had something to focus on, something to look forward to. Training began and at first it was hard commuting every weekend to and from Birmingham, but when I look back on it now it was all worth it. The memories I made are priceless. We won again and it was another high moment. Experiencing dancing on stage and then winning is a feeling which is second to none.

Then back to work. The weeks went by and COVID-19 hit. I was then furloughed from work and had time to myself. I questioned myself again. Who is Gurdeep Jandoo? I realised all this time I’d been avoiding my feelings, emotions and issues. I started to work on myself. No longer do I want to sit around doing nothing and feeling so low. I started reading. The book that gave me a lot of realisations and help was ‘Good Vibes, Good Life’. I highly recommend you read this if you’re going through a hard time or even if you’re not. I spent the next few weeks working on myself. I started working out, going for runs, eating healthy and planning things for myself. I spoke about my emotions with mum who gave me advice that changed me. I did things to work on my well-being and to repair my physical and mental state.

I came out of the past two years finally feeling refreshed. I used my time wisely to get to know myself again and this allowed me to realise a lot about myself. I thought I knew who I was, but the truth is I didn’t. I learnt that you have to deal with your emotions - there is no running away from them. I learnt that my family is my support system and that often issues stem from within your own home. I fixed these issues by simply speaking to my mum and sisters. I am far from where I want to be, but the small progress I have made has made a huge impact on my life as I feel much happier and content. I enjoy my own company and my thought process has completely changed - I no longer live to impress others; I no longer live in fear of what others will think. I live and let live. For me the solution that worked was to think more positively and avoid any negativity.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my mum and sisters for always being there for me and supporting me. I want to extend my thanks to my friends who have been there for me during this hardship, and to LIFT Bhangra for providing this platform for our community. To end on a short note - If you’re going through a hard time and are struggling it’s okay. Accept that you are in this rough time and seek help, talk to your family, friends or even get counselling. Speaking up always helps - bottling your emotions will lead to further issues. There is always light at the end of the tunnel.