#LIFTINGMINDS: Amrita's story

I’ve been asked to write this blog post and I have never found it so hard to write a piece of writing. I opened up about my mental health on my Instagram early on in the year, which felt extremely nerve-wracking however this piece is the hardest one I’ve written about.

I have been going through mental health problems from a very young age but never actually knew I was going through them. My story begins with dreams. I had been traumatised by my dreams. I wasn’t able to be vocal about what was happening in them; family and friends found it so hard to understand what was going through my mind, and they didn’t understand how scared I was to fall asleep at night. I went to a doctor (who on that day wasn’t my actual GP but a local doctor) and he laughed at me for my phobias. I did eventually attend counselling, which was such a long wait!! I started flooding myself and began writing down my dreams, chucking the piece of paper away and gaining help to understand the root cause of my problems.

My story continues to university, I loved university; I have made so many good friends that have turned into a family as well as so many memories. I am so grateful for everything that happened during university as it has helped shape me into the person I am today. During university I ended up in a very toxic relationship; it made me feel so self-conscious, insecure, I hated my body, the way I looked and overall just hated being me. I came out of that relationship shaken up, I was so vulnerable and scared. For someone very confident I lost it all, I was so uncomfortable in my own skin and my surroundings that life just was on a standstill. I didn’t know how to improve it or change it; I didn’t want to do anything instead I told one person how I was feeling and that was my therapist. I was so lost and so confused, I felt as though I couldn’t turn to my family as they were planning my sister’s wedding and then bhangra came and saved my life. Even though I hated Bhangra at this point, I am so grateful I competed and met one of my life savers today – a girl I hadn’t known for a long time. One walk in a park with this individual changed my perspective on the life I was living, she helped me so much and I am truly grateful to have made a friend like her!

After this point, I was going into final year of university, willing to put everything behind me and actually start afresh, be in a new mindset and be that perky, cheery person I was but instead of faking it and coming home with negative harmful thoughts, keeping those happy thoughts with me at all times. I then met my best friend who has also changed my life for the better! So now university life was going well, my dreams were controlled, and I was all-around quite happy – I cancelled counselling outside of university as the wait was 6 months and I felt as though I recovered I was out of my dark patch and I was just all-around light.

Until 2019 hit, I have tears in my eyes writing about this period of my life as I have found it so difficult to keep myself together. Everything I went through in 2018 I realised I had repressed; I didn’t deal with my problems I instead hid them away. I experienced first-hand what it was like to live with toxicity. This period of my life was different from any other, I was ‘accustomed’ to events that happened; however, it was to an extreme now. Everyone was so focused on the culprit of the drama, but no one looked at the bigger picture. You see the people you love deteriorate emotionally, physically and how do you help them when you don’t know how to help yourself? I had to keep a brave face at all times, pretend everything was ok – I felt like how I did in 2018 but just amplified. I would cry myself to sleep, find it difficult to get out of bed, not want to do anything or talk to anyone. I had no motivation for university, I was so mentally drained, and I just hated everything. I did not know how to deal with the thoughts that played through my head day and night. I rang Samaritans for help as I felt so suffocated in my thoughts and I just felt so trapped in this world and instead I lied – if I said too much it would cause problems for everyone, it will also shine a light to my actual thoughts, so I decided to keep it brief. I finally put myself forward for NHS counselling, again I wasn’t honest about what I was feeling to the full extent because I didn’t want the attention.

To pick myself out of this I began to write about my feelings, understanding my thoughts and why my thoughts were like that. I had my dance friend who would listen to me and give me constructive feedback, and then I had my best friend who actually supported me through so much, even though he didn’t fully understand what I was mentally going through and found it difficult, he still did his research to understand how to respond, act and treat me.

For me I was, and I still am very private about some of my thoughts. I still feel very vulnerable when speaking to close friends and family as I feel judged and very insecure. I do trust strangers as I am a blank canvas to them, they cannot judge me, and they get to understand my story instead of me personally. I have finally heard back from the NHS and I begin counselling very soon, I am finally ready to reveal my story properly without worrying about the consequences.

I hope from this you take that people with mental health issues can act in any way, they could be the happiest or the quietest person in the room, don’t let stereotypical judgements of mental health fool you – every experience is very different. It can also be very difficult to talk about and you shouldn’t force someone to talk to you about what they’re going through because they may not understand themselves. I have found speaking to external people has helped me so much, as I have been able to openly speak about my own traumas without a stigma being attached and knowing it’s not going to go anywhere. Another very important factor is family. My family are very westernised however they found it hard to understand, so getting family members to understand mental health is so crucial, my parents are so supportive of me and I cannot be anymore grateful for everything they have done for me during all the stages of my life, even though they do not know my triggers or what caused my depression and anxiety they still tried to understand how to make me feel better. Again, I still find it very hard to speak about my story to the full extent, however I look back and I appreciate how much I have learnt and the person I have become today as well as all the support I have been given throughout the years and especially this year.

Please seek help, do not wait a long time, feelings can be repressed and when you come across a similar situation it can be very harmful to you in the future. Write down your thoughts and feelings and never feel as though you are alone, there are people out there who want to help you! Your health comes first, so let us help you!

Thank you so much for reading, I hope you can take something from my story!