#LIFTINGMINDS: Chandni's story

This is difficult for me, but the fears that hold me back are holding others back; if I don’t speak up, I contradict everything I stand for. Mental health has ruled my life for the best part of 23 years. I have lost four very close loved ones to mental health, I lost my father to mental health. I refuse to lose anyone else.

Mental health has been prevalent in my life since childhood, I have witnessed the effects of a broken marriage, which is so common in the South Asian community but the effects are never discussed. Children that are caught in the crossfire are never given a second thought. An unstable childhood has a severe effect on later life, and it did for me. I grew up not knowing much about my emotions or feelings, what was right or wrong, because that doesn’t exist in our community. Members of my extended family were depressed while I was growing up, but it was so ignored, so why would I speak up about it?

Depression snuck up on me, I didn’t realise I was depressed until I fell to my knees in high school and cried until I had nothing left inside of me. I had no reason to cry, everything was fine. Depression is unique, it looks and feels different to everyone. To me, the term ‘depressed’ describes me perfectly. Throughout my life, I have been subject to bullying, sexual abuse, racist attacks, parent’s separation, loss of a parent and abusive relationships; each trauma pushed me further down this hole, eventually I gave up fighting.

Depression felt like nothing. An unexplainable sadness, a giant gaping hole in your chest where your heart should be. A constant lump in your throat. You see everyone around you, but you feel as if you are drowning. You’re frantically waving your arms for someone to help you, but the waves are constantly pushing you under. You’re fighting and fighting to breathe until it’s just too hard to fight any longer so you stop, you give in; now you’re just existing. You’re not living any longer, you walk the earth like everyone else, but there’s no emotion. You do everything you’re supposed to do, but there is nothing inside. The things you loved are now mediocre, everything you worked for is worthless. Nothing matters anymore because you cannot feel anything. Every inch of my body was numb, I couldn’t feel. I couldn’t cry, I could laugh, everything was numb, apart from my soul; My soul was hurting. It hurt so much I couldn’t live any longer. Over 5 years I’ve had multiple suicide attempts.

I did try to get help, I reached out to a few friends, I went to doctors, but the way I was shunned and made to feel completely knocked me off my feet. It was hard enough to speak up about the way I felt, but to be dismissed and patronised was torture. So I wore the mask and I carried on existing.

Somewhere in this whirlwind, I found bhangra. It connected me to my roots, it introduced me to a whole new world of music, bhangra reignited my passion of dancing. Bhangra and Punjabi music was a huge part of my childhood, my father was a singer and a bhangra dancer, I wanted to make him proud and I did. Dancing gave me a purpose, even with a broken leg I competed. Without dancing, and without music I wouldn’t be here.

Music especially, has saved my life, given me strength and given me clarity on countless occasions.

My community really let me down, when I was at my lowest, when I lost the person I did everything for, who I wanted to make proud, my community turned its back on me. I was considered damaged. Through the warzone at home, I brought myself up, I studied, I completed my degree, I competed in championships, I won trophies, I bought a car, I bought my house, I got a great job, but because of the hand I’ve been dealt, I will be considered damaged.

I currently work in mental health, within multiple complex needs in the BME community. Almost all of my clients are of South Asian heritage, and all of them have been abandoned by their families, leaving them homeless and helpless. Having a direct positive impact, preventing suicide, housing the homeless, providing the therapy these people need, this is what keeps me alive. Through my experiences, I have established ways to help others, and I will continue to do so. I am healing through projecting love.

If you are suffering, please do not be afraid to ask for help. We ask for assistance through everything, exams, assignments, training, this is no difference. Be direct with that you need help with, no one knows you the way you do. There are many routes to recovery, whether its therapy or medication, or both; research the routes and ask for what you need.

If anyone ever needs any assistance, please don’t hesitate to contact me.