#LIFTINGMINDS: Karman's story

I hope this article will help break the social and cultural barriers within our community. With a lot of thought, I have decided to take the risk of speaking out how domestic abuse can affect the victim and their family.

I decided in this blog I will not disclose any names of any persons due to their right to a private life. I have not gone into detail about the domestic abuse, because I’m neither the victim or in a position to talk about it openly. The content of this article is more about how I was mentally affected by witnessing it and how Bhangra has helped me become who I am today.

For many, the greatest feeling is when a family member is married to their loved one. After the glitz and glamour of an indian wedding, for some families like mine, things start to change.

Over a length of time, the situation had deteriorated. My relative was thrown out of their in-laws home. We supported that person and brought them to our home. I found out that person had been psychologically abused to the point that they were nearly suicidal.

I would blame myself on why I allowed this to happen. I would struggle to sleep. On some nights, I would cry thinking about why I was unable to protect my relative from being abused. I did not realise even though the abuse did not happen to me, for some reason I was mentally affected by it. I had isolated myself from many friends. I had developed negative dark thoughts about life.

In a desi community, having a domestic abuse situation in your home is a huge challenge. In a small tight knit community, any step you take will have consequences. Even me writing this blog will have consequences, but so be it, people need to know. You can’t go to the Gurdwara and seek help, Why? What for?, do you really want the uncles and aunties to gossip about our family. What about the community? No no no the problem stays within you.

You will bottle it up, even if it costs your life. Why call the police, you might ruin the relationship and the marriage may end. So you can understand how difficult it is for a person in this situation.

In 2016, it was my final year of university. I had discovered there were bhangra classes being held on campus. After a few classes, I had managed to get through the auditions and become part of a competitive bhangra team.

Ever since my first ever bhangra class till now, when I would dance, my mind would zone out from the world’s problems. Bhangra has brought positivity in my life. I am able to bring positivity into my family. Hell even final year at university, I was the the most chilled guy in my year group.

For me Bhangra is not just a dance, it creates an identity and sense of power within you. That sense of empowerment has allowed me to help others.

Since being involved in bhangra I have been able to gain the confidence and mental strength to support the most vulnerable in our society.

Currently I work in a legal department, supporting victims of domestic abuse. Many of them have been subjected to violence, psychological abuse, rape, sexual abuse, child sexual abuse and many other types of abuses. If it wasn’t for bhangra, I would not have the confidence and mental strength to effectively carry out this role.

In summary, something like a hobby can change a person's life. For me the biggest trophy from bhangra is happiness. If you always maintain a positive aura around you, no one or nothing can bring you down.

Over the years, our desi community has prospered in this country. But for generations we have failed to openly talk about our mental health issues. What will money do for you, if you are still depressed.

Thank you for reading my blog. I would like to thank LIFT Bhangra for this great initiative.

If you or someone you know has suffered from an abusive relationship, feel free to contact me for advice!

Karman Singh Bains