#LIFTINGMINDS: Sonia's story

A pen and paper have always been my escape. A place of no judgement, of no filter as to what is acceptable to say and what is not. A place that is only mine where I can unburden my heart and mind. I realised from a young age how powerful words can be and as I’ve grown up, I’ve come to realise that people’s words can either liberate you or haunt you, but writing can heal you.

I realise now that my mind was a really toxic place growing up. My outlook on life and my daily thoughts were extremely negative, not just about myself but about other people around me. I always believed that my emotions and thoughts were wrong, invalid and was scared of how I would live my entire life like this. Speaking about it was never something that even crossed my mind, so I learnt to suppress it to the point where I became unaware of my emotions and I believed that this is who I was meant to be.

What no one ever taught me was the importance of the dark days. The days where we feel trapped and suffocated in our own mind. When we feel ourselves spiralling into our own sadness and darkness with no control over it. It feels like nothing will ever improve and you will continue to live your entire life this way. But it’s in those days, that we have fight for ourselves. We have to fight for the person that we want to be and believe that we are worth all of our dreams and desires. We have to look at ourselves in the mirror and call ourselves out for all the shit that we think in our mind and have done because no one can do that for us. Because, as sad as it is, in that mindset your mind will be your biggest barrier and will resist any change. Staying negative is so much easier than becoming positive. Positivity requires mental and emotional work but most importantly, requires self-love. Self-love is the key to everything.

I’ve drowned in levels of sadness that I never imagined existed. I didn’t recognise the person that I saw in the mirror and became ashamed of my own reflection. It got to a point where I felt numb. I didn’t feel happiness or sadness and that’s when I had hit rock bottom. I felt as though that light inside me had died and would never come back. Through this time, I lost my love for Bhangra however, I now realise that everything happens for a reason. Only through Bhangra did I meet someone taught me that my feeling were valid and meant something. She connected with me on a level which no one else had and taught me that some friends really do become family.

Throughout Uni, I kept finding myself unhappy with everything, focusing only on the negative and wanting to escape my own mind. I found comfort in this toxic pattern. I knew what to expect and knew it too well. It felt like home. Without realising, I became my own worst enemy. I began to believe that God couldn’t exist whilst I was in so much pain. Over the months I became closer to one of my existing friends and I never thought I would be this close to her. she supported me through this time and never let me feel alone, no matter what time and day. Without her I would never have gotten through the year.

It got to a point where I was fed up of this constant battle between how I knew I should feel and how I actually felt therefore, I began to contemplate everything. At this point came hours of contemplating everything. There was a quiet voice inside me telling not to give up on myself and know I am meant for so much more. That everything truly does happens for a reason and that my years in the darkness were finally coming to an end. It had served its purpose and it was time to move on. Throughout all of this, I didn’t know much about Sikhi but I began to discover God. I began to know God on a personal level, as a friend, rather than some powerful being that judges me. I felt God cry when I cried, felt the laughter deep in my soul when I was happy. The inner wisdom I sought was buried underneath all the negativity and hatred. Learning to find God in the beautiful things is easy. The real challenge is finding God in the imperfect things, for God would never choose to be some things and not others. God is everything, the darkness and the light inside us. The Nanak Naam videos on YouTube helped me to understand this and connect with Sikhi because they portray Sikhi as a philosophy rather than a strict religion.

I’ve learnt that pain and experience are life’s greatest teachers. They open our eyes to different versions of other people but most importantly, different versions of ourselves. Throughout life we go through different stages where we evolve as people, previous versions of ourselves don’t always survive. And there’s a certain beauty in that. For we are presented with a chance to recreate and build ourselves however we wish. We can rise from the darkest of nights and begin to shine brighter than ever.

We don’t grow when we are comfortable. Growth happens in the darkest days. It happens when you feel most uncomfortable with yourself, in your own skin. It happens when you want to give up the most. No one can do the work for you. No one can walk your path for you but, there will always be people on the way to help you. They can guide you to the correct path, but you have to be the one to take the first step in that direction. And you have to do it for yourself, not for anyone else.