#LIFTINGMINDS: Swetha's story

It has taken me a while to bring myself into writing something like this but thank you LIFT Bhangra for giving me an opportunity to express myself through this blog post.

I never really opened up about my mental health because of the fear of being judged and the stigma associated with it.  Submitting this makes me feel a bit anxious but I think opening up and sharing my story will give me peace of mind. I also want other people to feel more comfortable with sharing their story.

It began in the year of 2016. This was the year I started feeling self-conscious, worthless, and sad most of the time.  I was a freshman in high school and I started going through a lot in my life. I would cry almost every day and I felt completely helpless. I hated going to sleep and waking up feeling worthless and crying first and last thing almost every day. This carried on to sophomore year which was one of the worst years of my life.

I also began to feel so conscious of the way I look and I found it difficult to cope with my feelings. There were days I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I didn’t feel “pretty” or “good enough”. I felt so insecure about my body I began to wear oversized clothes to cover up my skin. I have always gotten comments like “you’re so short”, “you need to eat more”, “you look so unhealthy and underweight” and I took what people said to my head. I kept all my thoughts to myself and ignored getting help. My anxiety slowly got worse and I felt as if I was a prisoner in my own mind. I had all these fears and doubts and I was unable to control myself. I didn’t find the strength to push myself to be in a better place mentally. I kind of just accepted that this is who I am and nothing can change that.

Opening up to family and friends can be nerve-racking. I thought discussing these issues would make them “real” and I also felt embarrassed to feel this way. I knew I needed help but asking for it made me feel like a burden and I felt I would be judged or misunderstood. I wanted them to know how I was feeling but it seemed hard to verbalize my thoughts. I knew what to say but I couldn’t bring myself to opening up. I would feel anxious all the time and that caused me to overthink every single thing in my life. I started to view life itself in a very negative way. I would also always question my actions and what I say in conversations. When I feel hurt by other people, I would always blame myself and think that I was the wrong one even if I wasn’t. My biggest fear became me not wanting others to see me the way I see myself which haunted me every single day.

Whenever I meet new people I’m always quiet and I always feel afraid to speak. It’s not that I am being rude or that I’m simply just shy. I find it hard sometimes to contribute to group discussions because I hate the attention and I fear what people think about me. However, when I start becoming close to someone, I feel comfortable about being myself.

I was never taught how to deal with my struggles. Whenever I was sad I was told to just “get over it and be happy”. I also felt so pushed to be a certain way, I forgot who I was. I lived in constant worry and sadness that never seemed to leave me. I felt as if nothing was ever going to help me and I wasn’t able to fight for the person I wanted to be. I thought nothing I did was ever going to be good enough and I wanted to give up.

 I reached a level of sadness I thought could never exist. There was and still are times I just don’t want to live but we all have to find the strength to push ourselves. Self -love is so important and it can be difficult to reach but that shouldn’t stop us from going through the process that ends up being one of the best things we could do for ourselves.

The one thing I found happiness in is dance. Dance, especially Bhangra helped and still helps me in so many ways. I find it to be the one place I can be truly happy and I met some of my best friends through dance. Being on a stage performing in front of an audience and dancing among my teammates is the best feeling in the world for me. That’s when all my sadness, anxiety, and negative thoughts disappear. Dance serves as a form of therapy for me and I feel it helps me gain the confidence and motivation i need. However, there were times I felt as if I should quit dance as well. Even though my passion and love towards it were always present, sometimes I felt and still feel I will never be good enough so why even try.  In 2018, I met a friend through bhangra who could relate to me. She made me realize that my feelings are valid and they do matter. Before we met I would always think that there was something wrong with me. She connected to me in a way no one else did and being around her always put me in a better mood. I became more open about my feelings to her and she has helped me so much this past year. I tried and still do open up to family but I feel like there is always going to be some type disconnect. At least at this age. I am 17 and a senior in high school and they always tell me that what I am feeling is not stressful or that I don’t know what it means to struggle yet, but over time I feel like they will come around

This past year has also been a bit of a hard time. I started to really isolate myself and I couldn’t find the strength to do even the most simple tasks. I began to go back to how I felt sophomore year, but now I feel it getting so much worse. I overthink everything in my life and a recent breakup has really been affecting me. I feel better than I was when it first happened but I still find myself crying over small things like that almost every day. I started to question my worth and my purpose in life. I felt and still feel as if I am on an endless path with no destination and I am at a point in my life where I feel worse than ever. I also found myself losing weight and not eating and sleeping well. I’m already underweight so losing even a pound worries me so i started eating just to eat, not because i wanted to.

I just feel so done with how I am feeling so I am starting to force myself to do things like dance or meditation to help me be in a better place.

I now realize that my happiness is really up to me. I can’t rely on other people to make me happy. I was my biggest bully and I am starting to realize that no one can take this journey for me. I don’t need anyone else to validate me as a person other than myself and I need to believe that.  No one can go through this path for me, but that also doesn’t mean that no one will help. I feel alone at times but I know that there will always be people looking out for me and care about my well-being. I am still not the person I want to be but I am slowly working on myself and taking the path to self-acceptance.